Caregiving
As we live longer, loved ones, many who are part of the ‘sandwich generation’, deep in their careers and busy raising kids, are also caring for parents through declining health longer as well. According to the Pew Research Center, just over one in eight Americans aged 40-70 are both raising a child and caring for a parent. And StatsCanada reports that most eldercare (75%) was provided by those between 45 and 64 years of age.
Caregiving can be incredibly meaningful and beautiful, but also exhausting and thankless. And all of those things all at once.
A few thoughts to keep in mind (as challenging as it can be sometimes):
This is hard work
The illness is not the person
The difficulty of the present doesn’t override the goodness of the past
It’s okay to feel pain and loss
Others are going through this (connect with them if you can)
In her book, Working Daughter, Liz O'Donnell offers many tips to navigate caregiving while working and highlights a phenomenon so true to this time “the caregiving creep” when needs become greater and more time consuming until they hit a state of crisis. The Working Daughter site offers support and resources for balancing work and caregiving. In Ontario, you can get support from OntarioCaregiver.ca and in the U.S., Caring Across Generations and Zen Caregiving.
It is also extremely difficult to watch someone you love fade away, and grief and mourning can begin while they are still alive. More information on living or anticipatory grief is below.
Care for the caregivers is especially important for those who are facing many years of support of a loved one in decline. Some gentle reminders: communicate with those you love, take care of yourself, ask for help, and set healthy limits. As the saying goes, “put your own oxygen mask on first” to be the best possible support to your loved ones.
Ideas to help navigate caregiving:
Take care of yourself: Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, and getting physical activity. Prioritize your own self-care.
Set boundaries: Communicate your boundaries and limits and make sure that others understand and respect them.
Seek out support: Caregiving can be a lonely and isolating experience. Seek out support from friends, family, or a support group for caregivers. Talking to others who understand what you're going through can be incredibly helpful.
Take breaks: Scheduling regular respite breaks is an important way to prevent burnout. Whether it's a weekend getaway or just a few hours of time to yourself each week, taking breaks will help you recharge and come back to caregiving refreshed.
Seek help: If you find that you're struggling to cope with the demands of caregiving, it's important to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can help you develop coping strategies and provide you with emotional support. You can find an inclusive therapist HERE.
Educate yourself: Learn about your loved one’s illness and its course to help plan ahead and care more efficiently. Understand the condition, know the symptoms, and learn about the treatment options.
Plan for the future: Caregiving can be a long-term commitment, so it's important to plan for the future, accounting for when the person you're caring for can no longer live independently.
“A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.”
– Irish proverb
You can also rally your village to help support and use some online planning tools to divide up chores, such as GiveInKind for general care planning and Meal Train for meal planning.
Caregiving burnout
Caregiving can feel like (or even be) a full-time job. It can take a mental and physical toll. When it becomes too much you can suffer from burnout.
If you begin to feel overwhelmed, communicate your concerns and needs with others. Ask for and accept help from family or friends. Practice self-compassion and give yourself a break.
Counseling, therapy, meditation, yoga, journaling, and/or time spent in nature or with a pet are some ways that can help reduce stress. All much easier said than done, but it is important to try to find some balance before burnout has physical consequences.
Symptoms of caregiver burnout may include:
Depression or anxiety
Irritability
Trouble concentrating
Disturbed sleep
Feeling exhausted despite adequate rest
A weakened immune system
Loss of interest in personal needs and hobbies
Increased feeling of resentment towards the care recipient and/or family/friends
Loss in satisfaction of being a caregiver
Feeling helpless, hopeless, and isolated
If you are experiencing signs of burnout, it is a good idea to speak to your doctor or therapist.
Living Grief
It can be devastating to watch a loved one lose their abilities. Grief and loss can start well before a person actually leaves the world. And like grieving someone who has passed away, grieving someone still physically here shows up differently for everyone.
“Anticipatory grief” is the normal mourning that happens when a patient and their family is expecting death.
And “ambiguous loss,” coined by Dr. Pauline Boss, is when a person becomes someone else. It comes on when our loved one is physically here, but because of reasons such as dementia, traumatic brain injuries, mental illness, or addiction is psychologically gone. It can be especially challenging as it comes with much uncertainty and lack of closure.
Grief.ca has some good resources to support people as illnesses such as Dementia, ALS, MS, Parkinson’s, or Huntington Disease progress.
More on grief HERE.
Resources:
Podcast: Caring for Aging Parents with Liz O’Donnell
This article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice or diagnosis. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.