Talking about death
Death didn’t used to be so taboo. So clinical. So creepy. So lonely. But we’ve gotten to a place where it is one of the hardest subjects to talk and think about even though it is one of the most common life experiences.
It makes sense that we as people have a natural fear of death, because it obviously represents ourselves or the people we love leaving this world and that most often comes with deep sadness. But for some reason, our minds often go to people being ‘taken’ from us, with death a force to rally against, rather than an inevitable part of the cycle of life to make peace with while making the most of the time we have here with the people we love.
When did things change? Many people believe the shift started when we started to embalm people (you can thank Abraham Lincoln for popularizing it) approximately 200 years ago. With embalming came the commercialization of the industry and medical and funeral professionals took over the duties of death care from friends and family. We shifted death and celebrations of life from the home to the hospital and funeral parlor and many personal traditions were lost. We took humanity out of dying and lost our personal connection to it.
There are lots of ways to approach end of life now, but in order to access them and plan for what we want, we need to talk about death openly with the people we love.
A first step to talking to people about death is to be comfortable with the topic yourself. Read about it. Think deeply about it. Examine your own wishes, concerns, and fears.
One of the best books we’ve read that explores the final moments of life into death is With The End in Mind written by palliative doctor Kathryn Mannix. And Death Cafes are global in person and online forums to discuss and confront all things death with a supportive community.
Once you’ve built some personal comfort, you are in a better position to talk to others about it.
A really great site to help stimulate conversations around death is Death Over Dinner. You can enter a few details on the type of conversation you are looking to have and they will email you a guide to help facilitate it. DOD founder Michael Hebb, also recommends you court people before you jump into the conversation, gauge their readiness and create a comfortable setting, in his book Let’s Talk About Death Over Dinner.
Some tips to help make the conversation a little easier:
Choose a good time and place: Consider the right time and place for the audience and choose a place where you can have a personal conversation without distractions or interruptions. You may want to plan it around more uplifting topics or conversations to create a comfortable space. And think about the physical and emotional states of the group before diving into the topic.
Be honest and open: Come with an open mind and heart. Be clear about what you’d like to talk about and why it’s important to help stay focused on the objectives of the conversation.
Listen actively: Listen actively to your loved one's thoughts and feelings about death and try to understand where they are coming from, especially if they differ from your own.
Share your own thoughts: Share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns about death. Showing vulnerability can also help open up the conversation.
Be respectful: Show respect for others' thoughts and feelings, even if you disagree with them. Avoid using judgmental language and consider how your tone and body language are showing up too.
There can be a lot to cover so you may want to start with general conversations about the topic. And as comfort is built, discuss more practical details such as funeral arrangements, end-of-life care, and what should happen to your loved one's personal belongings. Using documents or planning apps can also help record key takeaways from discussions so everyone is clear (more on planning HERE).
Martina Steiger, a life coach, educator and host of a Death Cafe in Ontario suggests broaching the subject with a third space such as a a book, a story, a poem - something to anchor us and allow us to talk about difficult/challenging/tender topics from a personal point of view but with a sense of security and safety because we have that third thing to refer to and ground us in.
To stimulate a topic people may naturally shy away from you can share an example or story from someone else such as, “when Mr. X died, his kids weren’t sure if he wanted to be buried or cremated and that was challenging for them. I want to make sure to fulfill your wishes when you go - do you know what you might like?”
Reducing fear of death:
Fear of death is a natural human experience. Death is so frequently connected to several of our most complex emotions such as sadness, grief, anger, shame, and guilt that it is only natural to feel a guttural rejection of the concept. And while it may not be possible to completely eliminate it, by building understanding and comfort, you can find some peace of mind and be better equipped to face it. And you may even find reflecting on our impermeability adds presence and purpose to your life.
Some ways you can begin to reduce fear of death include:
Learn about death: Understanding the process of dying and what happens after death can help reduce fear. This can include learning about the different stages of dying, what to expect during the dying process, reading personal reflections, and investigating how different cultures and religions see death.
Talk to a therapist: A therapist can help you work through your fear of death and provide coping strategies to help you manage your fear.
Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques such as meditation and deep breathing can help you stay present in the moment and reduce anxiety.
Seek support: Talking to friends, family, or a support group can help you feel less alone in your fear and can provide a sense of community and understanding.
Find meaning: Finding meaning in life can help reduce our fears of death as we shift our focus to making our time here matter. This can include things like volunteering, pursuing a passion, or spending time with loved ones.
By broadening your awareness of the topic of death, you can build comfort and reduce fears. There is also a good course called Mortal by two leaders in the space Alua Arthur, a death doula, and Caitlin Doughty, a mortician and author.
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