Funeral planning
Funerals, memorials, or celebrations of life are incredibly meaningful ways to honour a life after someone has passed. They are a place to be together with loved ones to share memories, stories, and grief.
But these services take significant time and money to bring to life, which can be especially stressful when in the throes of loss. It is worth it to take your time, review the most personal options, and call on friends and experts to help bring together a meaningful event.
In a 2013 report by the Funeral Service Foundation, most people want a celebration over a traditional funeral. They were looking for a personalized event where a life was celebrated, rather than tradition and heaviness around death. In the survey, people’s top requests for their own service were for flowers and family, and were least likely to want people crying.
Ideas to consider when planning an event:
Would the deceased like a funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life?
When to hold the service?
Where to hold the service?
Any religious or cultural customs to include?
Any special decor, floral, or musical requests?
Who would they like to attend?
How will you invite guests?
Who will speak?
How should the deceased look and be referenced at a funeral or viewing?
Costs are the first big consideration. Death is big business in the U.S., with the funeral and burial industry bringing in about $20 billion each year. The average cost of a traditional funeral with a burial across North America is between $5,000 and $10,000 (cremation costs on average between $2,000 and $5,000) and options for customizing the service to suit the personality of the deceased or their loved ones can be limited.
There can also be lots of pressure to spend money to make the funeral special and honour the deceased. Spending money by bringing in experts can meaningfully help take some of the planning and workload off of the family, but spending extra won’t bring the person back, and don’t be pressured into thinking it is the way to honour someone. There are lots of special ways to celebrate a life that do not have to cost a lot - they just may require a little additional research and planning. When engaging in cost discussions, like with any other event, clearly state your budget declaring the total you want to spend and they should be able to work around it. It can also be helpful to ask for complete fees and ensure there are no additional or hidden costs that will pop up later. Pre-paying for a service in advance is also a great way to take some of the burden off of loved ones.
For reference, you can see the pricing at a higher-end funeral home in Oakville, Ontario like Glen Oaks on their site and Forbes breaks down some of the costs as well.
You can also compare services and pricing at funeral homes across the U.S. on Parting.
Timing is the next element to think through. Some people, because of traditions or religion, may want to hold an event immediately after a death but other celebrations can be held at any point in the future. There are many moving parts in planning a funeral from venue sourcing to sending invitations, so be kind to yourself and seek help where you can. While there are some logistical pieces to sort through immediately after a death, you can take your time to plan a meaningful service for when the time is right and you have the capacity.
Planning the content of the event comes next. For many, religion may not play the same role it had in the past, plus we have immigration, blended, and chosen families, so there are many possible experiences to include based on cultural and spiritual customs. And older traditions can be combined with new.
It can be helpful to make a list of all of the elements you would like to see included in the event from the feeling and flow of speakers to music and flowers.
Event elements to consider:
Setting and mood
Decor
Photos
Flowers
Music
Food and drink
Speakers
Opening and closing remarks
Eulogies
Readings or prayers
Tributes and/or an opportunity for anyone to share stories or memories
Memorial
Memory book to sign
Booklet or program for guests
Takeaways or mementos
Ideally their wishes have been shared in advance, but if not, start with what you believe the deceased would want, and also consider what would be really meaningful to those left behind.
Traditional funeral homes are increasingly offering more diverse celebration types and know the space well so they may be able to help with additional needs around the death. Some homes will try to offer standardized packages so it can be helpful to go in with a list of the elements that are important to you to ensure they can deliver on them. You can also call a regular event or even a wedding planner to help. Call around before you commit to ensure the planner can provide you with the experience you are looking to create.
In her book From Here to Eternity, mortician Caitlin Doughty embarks on a global expedition to discover how other cultures care for the dead from Zoroastrian sky burials to wish-granting Bolivian skulls. It is a wonderful read to explore how cultures around the world celebrate life.
Ceremonies and rituals can also be a meaningful way to mark a person departing the world. Be Ceremonial helps you create a custom experience for a loved one.
MyFarewelling has some themes for unique events. And we’ve started some Pinterest boards for more ideas.
Some funeral homes rethinking how we celebrate lives:
U.S. - Sparrow, Inspired Funerals
Resources: